Dating Disasters: Part IV

It’s ba-ack!  And really, it’s better {or worse, depending how you look at it!} than ever!  Back in August, you all shared some pretty awesome Dating Disasters involving {but not limited to}: potential serials killers, sneezing in your faces…ON PURPOSE, sketchy set-ups, romantic first date dinners – at McDonald’s…the list goes on.

There was one story, however, that someone did not share…until now {dramatic drum beating}.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent.  So, I’ll be Kate.  And Marcus can be Jimmy.

It was a blind date.  Well, not exactly.  Marcus, er – Jimmy had 20/20 vision, however, as far as the date went…we had never met.  Did I say we?  I meant he and Kate.  Moving on.

He had “a lot going on” so requested that Kate make the 1-hour drive after work to his hometown where they were to meet:  in a McDonald’s parking lot – before heading to a comedy club.  Well, if you know Kate at all, you know that punctuality is not her strong point.  She blames the 1-hour drive, in the dark, to a town she never goes to, road-work down to 1 lane, and rush hour traffic.  Poor Kate.

McDonald’s was a hoppin’ place this Friday night, but these two strangers managed to find one another.  Who am I kidding?  Jimmy was 6′ 5″ tall sporting a green flannel with bucks all over it.  Bucks, as in, the one’s with antlers…not president’s faces.  He informed her that he had run to Fleet-Go across the street and bought it while he was waiting for her.  Which would explain why the tags were still on it.

Jimmy stared at Kate for long awkward moments…which, who could blame him?…and continued to repeat how he just LOVED that she was tall.  Like, he just kept saying it over…and over…and over…  Kate began to wonder if being 5’10” tall fell into the “Abnormal Female Giant” category, and glanced around to see if small children were cowering behind Ronald McDonald statues in fright.

Because they were 15 minutes behind schedule, due to aforementioned traffic/road conditions, Jimmy said they had missed the Comedy Club…but as an alternative, he would like to fry her some fish, fresh from the lake last night.  Because it was 8:30pm and Kate was starving, and she really does love fish, her good sense was compromised.  Fish Fry at Jimmy’s it was.  As she followed him in her car, her phone rang.  It was Jimmy. And he was turning into a dark, isolated parking lot.

“Just want to take you on a driving tour of my work!  Stay with me! {while driving} This is the door I walk into every morning.  This is the warehouse I work in.  This is the semi-truck that I sell parts for.  This is the parking spot I park in.  This is the company logo.  This is the road I drive on.  This is a building.  This is another building here.  This is a pothole.  This is a tree.  This is a…” Kate wondered why he hadn’t supplied walkie-talkies for this tour.  He better have T-mobile…

Quite possibly hours later, they arrived at Jimmy’s.  Kate wears all black for work, and requested to use Jimmy’s bathroom to change.  However it was dark out, and the bathroom shades would not shut, so Kate asked Jimmy to fix this dilemma.  He looked at her and said, “Why do you want them shut?  It’s not like anyone will be watching you…” {creepy stare}  “Oh just shut the &*$# shades!” Actually, Kate did not use foul language…at least out loud.

After changing, Kate surveyed the home decor.  Though she realized this is bachelor pad and has no expectations for home decorating, she did find the MASS amounts of religious decor a bit overwhelming.  Statues, signs with verses and religious phrases, crosses, golden praying hands, and so on.  Her thoughts were interrupted with 3 glorious words:  Fish is ready!

Sitting down at the kitchen table, there were no plates, no napkins, no side dishes, no silverware, no beverages…just a plate of fried fish in the middle of the table.  He asked her to hold out her hands.  Then he picked up a handful of fried fish and dumped it into her cupped hands.  “Eat up little lady!” Then they sat there, eating handfuls of fried fish.  Awesome.

After dinner Jimmy said he had some “stuff” he really wanted to show her.  Gulp. Kate was relieved when he then walked over to the TV and turned it on.  Close call.  “Ya gotta see my tractor pulling home videos, little lady!” …to which he then proceeded to show EIGHT, yes that’s right EIGHT home videos of him tractor pulling.  But the fun didn’t stop there.

Next it was a tour of the Tractor Pulling Trophy Room.  An entire spare bedroom dedicated to trophies that scaled as high as 4 feet tall.  HUNDREDS of them.  Then it was off to the dark backyard, to show me Kate, The Tractor itself.  It was Kate’s intention to find a way to relate to her date, so she told him, “I used to sell tractors at Sears and we’d have races in the parking lot on our breaks!” She thought this was both cool and impressive to any man with a passionate love for tractors.  Apparently not, as he stared at her and said, “Those aren’t tractors.  Those are called riding lawnmowers.” Bubble popped.

Going inside, Jimmy’s eyes lit-up.  “I have something I want you to try!” Reaching into his refrigerator he pulled out a brown, cellophane wrapped substance and said {direct quote}, “IT’S OLD, BUT NOT TOO OLD TO EAT!!!” Pretty sure I just threw up in my mouth.

I have yet to mention that Jimmy had 2 cats.  Fact: Kate hates cats.  I realize many of you have them and love them.  Kate doesn’t.  Jimmy ripped off a piece of his “old-but-not-too-old-to-eat” Salmon Jerkey and handed it to Kate.  She took a bite, then shoved the rest in her pocket when he turned away.  Newsflash: Cats LOVE Salmon Jerkey.  Suddenly they were all over her, like flies on maneuer {to stick with the farming theme here}.  Scratching and clawing at her legs.  “I’m sorry, but I um, forgot your cats names,” said Kate as she tried to fling their hissing bodies off of her.  Jimmy gave her a cold, blank stare.  “Don’t apologize to me.  Apologize to *Misty.” {*actual name}

“Hey I know!  I’m going to wake up my roommate, *Donkey!” {*again, actual name}  He ran downstairs and pounded on the basement door.  “DONKEY!  DONKEY!!! Me and Jen Kate are going to the bar on our date!  Come on!”

Wait, what?

Moments later, a groggy 46-year old man named Donkey came out scratching himself.  I won’t say where.  He then reached out his hand to shake Kate’s.  Ugh…men.

Kate was promised by Jimmy that they wouldn’t be there long.  So Kate…oh foolish, naive Kate…went.  Jimmy and Kate in one car and Donkey in another.  On the way over, Jimmy informed her that, “You’re so lucky!  You get to watch me and Donkey play Texas Hold ‘Em and win some money!” Key word: “get”  – lucky me.  Er, Kate.  Looks like the night just got a little longer.

At the bar, the whole “gang” was there to play…well, except Kate.  Because girls “get” to watch.  Jimmy said Kate could pick something off the menu to order.  She picked the chicken sandwich.  When the waitress came, Jimmy said, “We’ll have the BLT, and just one plate…we can share.” Then he winked at Kate and put his hand on her knee.

It was at this moment that Kate realized she was about to die.  I’m on a date with a crazy-killer-rapist who, for my last meal, DIDN’T EVEN LET ME CHOOSE WHAT I GOT! she thought.  On that note, Kate excused herself to the restroom.  When she came back, Jimmy’s stool was squished up next to hers.  She scooted it away, he scooted closer.  For the rest of the night it was like Musical Scootching. She scooted away, he practically sat on her stool with her.  What happened to “The Strong Hint?” Is that like, not a thing anymore?

After winning enough money to pay for Kate’s BLT {sigh}, Jimmy decided it was time to go.  “Next time don’t pack a suitcase Kate…Jimmy’s got an extra toothbrush at his house.” Thanks Donkey.  My comfort-level with this man just plummeted -173 points. Not that it was high to begin with.  We left, and Jimmy turned up the local Christian music station in his car.  He put his hand on her knee and said, “great song”…then proceeded to SING it to her as he gazed into her eyes.  “I will always loooo-ooove yoouuuuuu…” Oh brother.

A squad car was driving behind Jimmy, no lights on.  However this threw him into a panic.  He hadn’t drank very much – believe me, I, uh she watched.  “Why is he following me?  Do you think he’s following me?  Do you think he’s going to stake out at my house tonight?  I bet he’s going to stake out my place tonight.” Ummm, the better question is, SHOULD HE? If I wasn’t convinced he was a serial-killer before, I was now.

Pulling into his driveway, I jumped out before the car was even in park.  “Well, thanks for the fun, er, the uh – well, gotta go!” Jimmy face fell, “You’re not coming in?” Fumbling trying to find her keys,NO!!!!! I mean, no thank you.” Kate was pretty sure she was hearing a killer’s famous last words, “Come here little lady.” Then his 6’5″ arm-span crushed her in an iron grip awkward hug.

When she was finally released 56.928 seconds later {but who’s counting?} she dove for her car and said, “See ya!” peeling away.  Jimmy stood in the driveway watching her, until finally she was out of sight.  Suddenly, “brrrrring, brrrrring!” Kate’s phone rang.  It was Jimmy.

“Is that cop staking out my house?  Did you see him?  Was he stakin’ me out?  Do you think he’s watching me?” I don’t know, Jimmy.  I don’t know…

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