A Whodunnit Adventure

This weekend, I was poisoned.  Food poisoning actually.  It is a true “whodunnit” mystery, and one I may never know the answer to.  All I know is that I took a bucket to bed with me…and my bucket overfloweth.

I will keep the rest of the details to myself, but just know, that is the unfortunate state of being that I began this “Adventure with Jen” in…

Monday, January 17, 2011

3:37am – My body was still reeling from the “poisoning.”  I had to get up in exactly 1-hour to leave for the Denver airport for my business trip to New Mexico…weak and tired, I just had to sleep.  Setting my phone alarm for 4:47am, I reminded myself as I drifted off, that I had a Redbox movie to return and a bag of stinky trash to take out on my way.  Yawn.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

5:45am – Woke up in panic.  My flight was leaving at 7:15am…and it takes 1 hour to drive to the airport…and there was NO WAY I was leaving that trash bag to rot in my house for an entire week.  Panic.  Aaaaand – GO!!!!

5:56am – Thumping down 4 flights of steps out of my condo with a rolling suitcase, ginormous briefcase, and stinky trashbag, I threw it all in my car and squealed out of the parking lot.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my neighbors called the cops – I looked like a desperate burglar making off with the loot…however, even if they did, I wasn’t there to find out.

6:16am – I was unpleasantly surprised how much traffic there was going through Denver.  Sick and twisted morning people. The black sky – combined with the head and taillights dotting the horizon – combined with the fact that I was having a really hard time waking up and had my eyes closed for more than half the drive, all made for additional stress on my already major time-crunch.  I have ZERO recollection of my travels to the airport, but made it in 4o minutes…and am praying my face isn’t printed on any WANTED posters when I get home.

6:36am – Another thing I have ZERO recollection of, is where I parked.  Taking note of what Color, Zone, Animal, and Number parking lot I’m in did not concern me at the time.  I have a feeling it will concern me when I get back on Friday night.

Pulling my suitcase, briefcase and stinky trashbag out of the car {hey – don’t judge!  There was no time to stop at the dumpster!} I took off running.  I could see in my shadow that what was once a ponytail, was now only 6 hairs tied high on top of my head – the rest of my hair wildly blowing in the wind.  No stopping now.

6:41am I spot 2 handsome men casually rolling their suitcases through the lot.  “Look cool – look calm,” I said to myself, as I slowed my pace, and pretended like the trash bag was NOT filled with my refrigerator leftovers.  “They’re wearing wedding rings…GO!!!!” I took off on my wild run again, garbage juice trailing behind me.  Spotting a trash barrel ahead, I gave the bag the old “heave-ho” and launched it in – well, actually ON the trash barrel.  The opening on top was only big enough for small trash items, like gum wrappers…not 13-gallon Glad bags.

Time.ticking…not.my.problem!!!!!!!

I continued running, Glad to be free of the stinky trash {pun intended}. When I arrived at the check-in kiosk out of breath, poisoned belly twisted in knots, I punched in my info, only to read “YOU HAVE MISSED YOUR FLIGHT” on the screen.  The clock clearly said 6:47am and my flight clearly had not left yet.  So I pushed all small children and elderly women out of my way and up to the counter.  “You {huffing} HAVE to {hacking} check me in…{massive air gulp}…PLEASE!!!”

The woman looked extremely annoyed at me.  I have NO idea why {innocent eye flutter} – yet she printed a boarding pass and let me through.

6:51am – Wahoo! I continued my sprinting, huffing, gagging, and air gulping to The Dreaded Security Checkpoint where I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a window…

As previously stated, I sported a “ponytail” with now only 3 hairs in it, high on top of my head.  I wore spandex workout pants, compression stockings, day-old black eyeliner smudges under my eyes…well, if you could even SEE my eyes.  My glasses had so many fingerprints on them.  And to top it all off, I was wearing a hoodie that read:

Yes, I own it.  Why are you looking at me like that?

6:54am – There were 8 security lines open.  With my shoes off, my laptop out, my liquids visible, and my 3-strand ponytail bobbing…MY LINE GOT SHUT DOWN DUE TO MALFUNCTION.

6:57am – Budged in another line, blaming my smudgy glasses on “not seeing the others…”

7:05am – More running, huffing, air gul…okay, you get it…while trying to put shoes on.

7:07am – Get on a SHUTTLE to take me to Terminal C. I’m currently at Terminal Pre-A.

7:13am – Arrive at gate.  Flight has been delayed.

At this point, I had no shame and I flung my exhausted “It Took 30 Years to Look This Good” body onto a 3-chair span radius.  You know how there’s always that ONE PERSON that boards the airplane that, as you’re sitting there, you just hope and PRAY is not assigned to sit next to you?

Pretty sure on this particular day…I was that person.

6 comments On A Whodunnit Adventure

  • Just so you know Jen – Your updates are the highlight of my lunchbreak! I will never understand how you alone are fortunate enough to have such an interesting life.

  • I would have been in TEARS! I’m glad you made it!

  • baaaaahhhhhhh haha ha ha
    tears of laughter… love you Jen!

  • How long did it take you to feel better? I hope your trip is going well. What an experience! Perhaps someday you will put all these stories in a book. I think it would be #1 in sales. Love you so much and think of you often and pray for you too.

  • This is the best thing I have read all day. You are amazing. And I’m so sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but I only do so because I totally understand. I had an extremely similar experience in London… with a fever and a hacking cough… Woof. Hope you are feeling better!

  • love it. I miss you….daily I miss you! how is it that you have more energy and drama living alone than I do with SEVEN people in my house?!?!?

    or maybe that’s not true? I did give my child 2 enemas the other day

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