HORRORS & HOOTS: Peg Legs & Urinals

It was my last semester at the community college. After 5 years of slowly plugging away at that degree, I was tired. Tired of classes like Logic, Philosophy, Environmental Science…those dreaded classes that just wreak havoc on a Right Brained person’s mind. Needing a mental break, I signed up for Keyboarding where people who had never learned how to type could learn how. But I had a secret: I already knew how to type.

This class was a breeze! I showed up after Weightlifting II every day in my “oopsies-too-big sweatpants” (see “My Hot Pink Granny Panties” posting for more info) and sat in the front row, passing online typing tests with flying colors. It was on one particular day that I had chugged quite a bit of water after lifting weights and, halfway through class, decided to use the restroom. ***male readers: once again I forewarn that this posting contains female-natured content*** Before leaving for the restroom, I faced a dilemma, as I was also bringing to the restroom a tampon. The dilemma was that my sweats had no pockets to stuff it in, and I wore a short sleeved shirt that had no long sleeves to tuck it in. I didn’t want to march out with a pink-plastic wrapped product torching my way. And I didn’t want to lug my huge backpack out, making everyone think I left, only to suspiciously show up moments later.

I really weighed out my options and then made my game plan. I looked left. I looked right. The coast was clear. I slowly slipped the pink-plastic wrapped femine product out of my backpack and then shoved it into the inside of my sock and shoe. But I wore ankle-bearing socks, which made it a tight squeeze and semi-revealing. Standing up (front row, mind you) I took a step and quickly realized I couldn’t make any sudden movements. As a pirate with a peg-leg, I took another step and akwardly swung “the foot” forward. Another step with my normal foot and then “the foot” limply swung foward. What I had planned to be inconspicuous soon became the focus of the class. Gazes lifted from their computers. Keyboard clacking stopped. All eyes were on me. Limp – Swing. Limp -Swing. Limp – Swing. And then suddenly, all eyes were no longer on me. All eyes were on the floor several feet behind me in the aisle of the computer lab…

Slowly turning my head, I dropped my glance to the carpet. There “it” sat. It was as if a spotlight were shining on it at that very moment with the halleluiah chorus singing loudly. And who had the best seat in the house to watch the whole thing unfold? But of course…it was the 3 rows of boys near the back of the class. I dashed, I grabbed and I ran. Keeping my eyes low to the ground, I ran straight out the door bursting into the bathroom which was, of course, right outside the classroom, in full view of my fellow keyboardists. That’s when I saw it – the urinal. Urinal? What is a urinal doing in the Girl’s bathro…(suddenly I heard a flush from the stall) I didn’t wait to see who it was. Grabbing the door handle of the Men’s Restroom, I swung it open only to be met by the horrified stares of my classmates, the witnesses. Well, some were horrified. Some just shook their heads in pity, while still others painfully held their laughter in check.

Of course I tried to play it cool as I smiled and sauntered over to the women’s bathroom. Who am I kidding?! I was a fool and probably tripped walking in…I’m not really quite sure. My mind has worked very hard to block out the details of my entrance back into Keyboarding class that day! I think it had something to do with typing “You are SUCH an airhead. You are SUCH an airhead. You are SUCH an airhead.” 2,000 times and counting…

2 comments On HORRORS & HOOTS: Peg Legs & Urinals

Leave a Reply to Jill Cancel reply

Site Footer