The Male Dating Profile: another mystery.

At what point does a man decide that his absolute best dating profile pic is one of him in the bathroom without his shirt on?

“Hmmm, let’s see…I’ve got this picture of me wearing a suit and tie, holding my grandmother’s hand at her 90th birthday party.  I’ve got this shot of me face painting a puppy on my niece’s cheek.  I could possibly use this handsome head shot of me from the holiday Christmas party sporting the sweater my mother knit for me.  Oh, here’s one of me carrying a handicapped boy across the finish line of the marathon I ran last year…

Orrrr…I could wake up from a post-NFL game nap, rip a loud beer belch to relieve the bloat, take my shirt off, walk into the bathroom and hold up my iPhone to show how tech-savvy I think I am, pull back my unshaven chin to create multiples, push my belly out as far as physically possible, and snap a self-portrait in the mirror.  Dude, did I leave the toilet seat up in the background?”

Yes “dude,” ya did.

You can only put so much info on a dating profile, so I cannot blame people missing body parts and vital internal organs for not putting that in the “About Me” section.  With that being said, there are times and places to reveal this information, and my gut instinct tells me the entire first 73 minutes of the first date is just not that time.

Me:  “Wow, this place is really nice!  Have you eaten here befo…” 

{interrupted by date slamming his 3.5 fingered hand down onto the table}

Me: “Oh, um…wow.”

Date:  “Well, glad you asked!  You see, it all began back in 2003.  I was…”

{blink. blink.}

Call me high-maintenance, but sometimes a girl just wants to chew her honey seared chicken without the mental image of dangling fingers, spurting blood, depression medications and saw blades.

Then there are dates that begin something like this…

Me:  “Um, wow.  No one has ever taken me to this fast-food restaurant on a first date before…or any fast-food restaurant for that matter…”

{date pulls out large amounts of Metamucil packets from pocket, starts tearing them open and emptying them into glass}

Date:  “Yeah, my ex-wife wanted me dead.  As I laid on the surgical table, all she prayed for was my dead body and the life insurance money…”

Perhaps my standards are too high, but watching a man eat large amounts of beans washed down with Metamucil, while describing the horrors of having to wear a bag to collect his body waste for several months just didn’t digest well with me.  Speaking of digestion, I have a feeling post-dinner was a little rough on him as well…

First date dinner conversations can tell you a lot about a person.  Just yesterday I was having lunch with a friend and she said, “I can tell within the first 3 minutes of a date if it’s going to work out or not.”  As mentioned, I’ve given men as long as 73 minutes to let the conversation come full circle and for them to ask me a question.  Entire dinners have gone by, waiting patiently to get a word in…

{after sharing well over an hour about his life experiences, work history, and hobbies…}

Date:  “Soooo, how do you like your hot dogs?”

Me:  “Uh, just mustard…?”

Date:  “NO WAY!!!  ME TOO!!!  Anyways, I was driving my truck the other day when suddenly…”

Although 10 points were received for Most Unique First Date Question, he quickly went back into deficit after the “…and that wraps up the lengthy story about how I ran over a homeless man in a wheelchair.  More wine?”

The thought has crossed my mind that out of the millions of people that regularly pay good money to be on dating sites, there are approximately 6 couples that have found true love.  These are the same 6 couples that appear on the television commercials, the marketing ads and the sidebars online.  For many people dating in their 30’s, 40’s and beyond, they might look at that and think, gosh, so my chances of actually meeting someone are basically one in a million?

But not Lloyd Christmas from Dumb & Dumber.  As an eternal optimist, he’d be the first to remind us all…

“So you’re sayin’ there’s a chance!”

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