Executive Status…{nbd}

Sharon is approximately 4 feet tall and 107 years old.  Approximately.  The first time I met Sharon, I was standing with my purple luggage in a sea of rental cars in New Mexico.  She was sporting pleated khakis pulled up to her armpits with a green polo shirt tucked in tight.  Her short, box-dyed poodle curls poked up loud-and-proud above her plastic green visor.  Her large coke-bottle glasses magnified her eyes to be approximately 17x larger than they actually are.  Approximately.

It was like it was my first day of Kindergarten and Sharon, bless her arthritic heart, took me under her crippled wing.  “Alrighty then!  Whatcha lookin’ for girly?  We’ve got a nice Toyota Camry over here, or a beautiful Nissan Ultima over there…Take your pick from this row, sweetie pie!  Take your pick!”

Because I travel to New Mexico every month, I look forward to seeing Sharon scooting around the rental car parking lot.  She’s always happy to see me, with her arms bent at the elbows and pumping back and forth like she’s power walking towards me.  Only she’s going approximately .00004 mph, arms pumping wildly at her sides.  Approximately.

I got an email last week from the rental car company that read:  “CONGRATULATIONS!  You have now achieved EXECUTIVE status!”  I didn’t know what this meant…but I knew a woman who would know.

Hauling my purple luggage off the shuttle, I soon saw Sharon poke her coke-bottle glasses, wild curls and plastic green visor up over the top of window ledge in her car rental hut.  Shack.  Hut-Shack.  Within seconds she came barreling at me, arms pumping, at a whopping .00005 mph (she must be working out).  “Sharon, I’m gonna need your help tonight.  I…(dramatic pause)…just achieved Executive Status.  What can you do for me?”  I didn’t think her eyes could get any larger behind those magnifying eye glasses…oh, but they did. Grabbing my kneecaps (it’s as high as she could reach), she spun me around to the Executive Collection.

“Would you like the Mustang or the Challenger?” she said with a twinkle in her eyes.  Which, I admit, sort of freaked me out…kind of like those lemurs in Madagascar…

I admittedly had to phone-a-friend.  To be honest, I’m not easily wooed by luxurious vehicles.  My car doesn’t even have a CD player.  Or a tape deck for that matter…

Moments later, I was climbing into the Mustang, pretending like I thought it was AMAZING.  In all reality, I stared longingly at the non-Executive row of Camry’s, Ultimas, and even…minivans.  I drove in the “My-Seat-is-Reclined-So-Far-Back-I-Can’t-See-Over-The-Steering-Wheel-But-Don’t-I-Look-Like-a-Total-Gangsta?!” position for a good mile before re-setting it to Soccer-Mom-Straight-Back-Seating position.  Much better, I thought.

Today I screamed along the freeway at a whopping 61 mph, posture straight as a needle, listening to some acoustic jam on the radio.  Wild-eyed teenage boys revved their engines to race at stoplights, with a “wicked loud bass.”  Being the responsible Executive Member that I am, I just smiled sweetly and waved, holding the wheel at 10 and 2…

Right before my tires squealed, leaving their sad, sorry souls choking in my dust.  That was for you Shar-bear.  That was for you…

3 comments On Executive Status…{nbd}

  • Hilarious! I want to meet Sharon!! I remember my 15-month stint in CA where I also achieved Executive Status. We are pretty amazing, aren’t we??? 🙂 Except the cars I had to choose from were things like the Buick LaCrosse, or Pontiac Grand Prix. Haha 🙂 Oooooh, but the LaCrosse had Satellite Radio! So amazing, and out of my league. I went for it. every. time.

    I love reading about your crazy travel adventures. Maybe you should invite Sharon to run your next 5K with you? I’d join you… 😉

  • I think I’m going to come out of the fan closet and let you know that I love your writing. Contrary to the name, it’s rather stuffy in there. Anyhoo, “approximately” will probably sit on a high shelf in my vocabulary for the next couple weeks. Danke.

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