Confessions of Body Waxing: expert edition

You know how sometimes a man’s hairs curl out from his shirt?  Mine do that too.  Wait.  That definitely came out wrong.

Today I showed up at my first appointment…Beauty School.  I was to help facilitate a skin care class for a group of students, which (confident hair flip) is my specialty.  Upon my arrival, students were scribbling down notes, creating their aromatic steamed towels, and doing what students do best: texting.  As I chatted with one of the skin care instructors, an instructor from the hair department walked in and her eyes got wide when she saw me…“YOU are here?!?!”  She seemed excited, which made me excited.  Feeling famous does that for a person.

“Can I take her with me this morning?  Pleeease!?” she begged the skin care instructor.  “I would LOVE for our hair students to meet her!” 

I suddenly felt a little nervous, but I wasn’t sure why.  In hindsight, I know it was intuition.  And my intuition was telling me to RUN.

Instead of running, I stood smiling, still basking in my feelings of fame.  The skin care instructor said, “Sure…I’ll teach the class on my own if you really need her.”  The other instructor grabbed my arm and squealed, “I DO!  I DO need her, and this is absolutely PERFECT!”  She led me outside and to the building next door.  A building filled with scary manequin heads with varieties of bob haircuts, up-do’s and purple highlights.  Being a Spa Educator, I was used to drippy candles, ocean wave soundtracks and creamy face masques.  Instead the sound of Rock & Roll music, blow dryers and beauty school gossip drowned out the voice of my Intuition that continued to scream…RUN!!!  Then, the sounds faded as I was led into a classroom…

…and the door shut behind me.

There in front of me sat a packed-out room of hair students.  They were edgy and snapped their bubble gum loudly.  I was naive and sipped my latte quietly.  “Class!!!!!!” squealed the instructor, “Today we are SO SO SOOOOOOOO fortunate to have someone VERY important in the company with us.  Please welcome, the DIRECTOR OF BODY WAXING!!!!!!!!!!!” 

I have never come so close to spraying my latte out on people’s faces than I did today.  Instead I Big Gulped that warm-soy-toffeenut-goodness so hard and so loud, I was certain my esophagus would burst.  And for a moment, I wished it had.

I’m not sure where the miscommunication happened.  I’m not sure who informed this woman that I was the Director of Body Waxing for a global company.  But as the thunderous applause filled the room, there was one thing I was sure of…I could not let these bright-eyed, green mohawk wearers down.

“Um wow.  Uh, thank you so much for that er, undeserved introduction.  Where, um, would you like me to sit?”  I asked.

The instructor laughed, as if I was making a joke.  “Oh you’re funny!  Today is our BODY WAXING unit and we are SO PLEASED to have such an expert here to teach the class!” she said as she backed away, leaving me speechless – frontandcenter.

Suddenly my mind flashed back in an out-of-body experience, watching myself in school.  I was sporting my student smock, giving a bikini wax…when suddenly things got a little messy.  “Uhhh, teacher…will you come over here?” I said.  She did and her eyes got wide as she took the wax stick from my hand and muttered the words “Oh my…” and then let out a gasp that only the truly horrified can produce…

As my glazed-over-eyes refocused on the students in front of me, I wondered if the fact that I haven’t had waxing training in 5 years mattered.  I wondered if the fact that the last time I waxed my own eyebrows someone looked at me and said, “WHOA.  What happened to your face?!” mattered?  Their hopeful, angelic, body-pierced faces begged me to shower them with my knowledge…I could deny them no longer.

“Ahem.  Uh, yes students.  I am so privileged with you be, yes I am, am I. Yes.”  I was stumbling all over my words which meant only one thing: stop talking. 

“Sooooo, ’nuff ’bout me, yo.”  (I was losing it…fast.)  “Let’s hear from you’s guys, I mean – you guys.  Like, (insert nervous latte sip), what DO YOU know about body waxing?” 

crickets.chirping.

“YOU!  Yes, you in the back…the one with your hand raised!!!!!!” I said, excited to get this conversation rolling.  “Oh, I was just scratching my ear, ma’am,” the girl said nervously.

“WELL NO MORE BODY SCRATCHING!!!!!!! I screamed.  “Ahem, what I meant to say, was that this is a Body WAXING class, not a Body SCRATCHING class, so please be respectful to those that are here to learn.” 

Well, if I ever wondered how I react to press and stressure…I mean, stress and pressure…I know now.

The instructor intervened…“Alright then, who would like to be the first Body Waxing model?  Our Body Waxing Expert will demonstrate on you!”  All hands shot into the air.  And then, it was MY turn to intervene.

“Yeah, okay, soooo…there’s something I haven’t told you.”  The room fell silent.  All eyes were on me.  (deep breath)  “You see, I, well…so I, um.  The thing is…I really only teach ADVANCED Body Waxing classes, and I would really hate to overwhelm these Beginner Learners with my incredibly ADVANCED techniques.  (my voice suddenly sounded a BIT too much like Tarzan…) Me, advanced. (pounding my chest barbarically)  Me very advanced.”

crickets.chirping.

crickets.chirping.

still.chirping.

“Oh my gosh!!!!  Of COURSE!  Why didn’t I think of that before!” the hair instructor laughed.  “You are SO right.  Why don’t YOU just be the students’ model!” 

Wait.what?!?!

* * * * *

So the good news is that I didn’t have to finish teaching the Body Waxing class.

The bad news is that the students waxed 59% of my arm hairs off…leaving the other 41% to be curling out, like little caterpillar mohawks.  Fingertips to Shoulder.

Luckily, I know some pretty “Advanced Techniques.”

Now where did I stash that shaving cream…?

5 comments On Confessions of Body Waxing: expert edition

  • I should know better by now than to read your blog at work! Ohhh my GAWWWWWD, I can’t even finish it I am laughing so loud.

  • Jenni for real you haaaave to be making this stuff up right?!? Its like straight from a movie!! It always seems to go from bad to worse lol….

  • confession-I’ve been telling people that you are the director of body waxing… sorry, and if anyone calls you to teach about butt implants– I’ve been telling people that you are the director of that to. hope that’s ok.

    ;-D

  • Oh my goodness. I love it. Remember that time that you gave a brazilian to a 65 year old woman? Or the time that you put a little too much wax on another student? Whoopsie!

  • Oh my goodness, I am sitting at my dining room table it is 1:15a.m. the house was very very quiet till I started reading this……seriously laughing out loud…way loud!! If I had been drinking a latte or anything other liquid, my screen and laptop would be covered in it. Good thing I wasn’t. Love you Jen!

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