Twas the month before Christmas and I needed a break,
It was no secret that my mental stability was at stake!
My purple luggage was loaded by Frontier airlines with care,
As I listened to the speech about oxygen masks by the stewardess with big hair.
Hours later I was nestled snug in my sister’s bed,
While the rumbles of her loud snoring rolled through my head.
Lisa in her Green Christmas Sweater and I in my Red,
Had quite a list of crazy adventures lying ahead!
Alright, my creative genius is wearing thin. Poem = Over. You may or may not recognize me in my Totally Top Secret Amazing Elf Costume (above, left). I always knew I was a blonde at heart…blink blink. To my right you will notice Exhibit B. We will call her Sister Lisa. Not because she’s a nun (although, she is single and works in ministry…so yeah, I guess maybe she is a nun. Wow!) This Christmas Nun also happens to be my sister. Small world, huh?
Anyways, I went to visit Sister Lisa the Nun over Thanksgiving in Idaho and let me tell you, it’s never a dull moment with this girl. Although I consider my life to be regularly filled with awkward moments and blog-worthy tales, Sister Lisa takes life to a new level of awkwardness…and truly, coming from me – a self-proclaimed-awkward-moments-person myself – that is the HIGHEST of compliments.
At 5’4″ tall (uh, wearing heels), Sister Lisa was recently out to coffee with a male acquaintance at 6’0″ tall. Key word: ACQUAINTANCE. As they sat across from one another sipping steamy beverages and chatting, she excused herself to go use the ladies’ room. As she tossed her long, brown locks over her shoulder in front of the mirror, her glimmering smile faded as she noticed that a centrally located button on her blouse was WIDE OPEN. This particular button was strategically placed where any modest female would blush over it’s exposure. Especially a nun. Gulp. She quickly re-buttoned and re-gained composure, re-joining her male companion.
They soon stood outside, ready to part ways. It was in that moment that time began to slow down. Slow motion, if you will. Sister Lisa’s male acquaintance had his hand raised high in the air…and Sister Lisa panicked. In a moment of awkward desperation to be AWESOME, she sailed through the air, high-fiving him with the energy of a sugar-crazed child.
And that’s when time took on it’s normal pace once again. He looked at Sister Lisa quizzically, then tipping his head to the side he quietly said, “Uhm, I was uh, waving to someone behind you.”
Shameful head hang. Yes, don’t be shy. You can participate on her behalf in the Shameful Hanging of the Head.
The fun doesn’t stop there. Once Sister Lisa was working in her church office. Alone. As in, the entire church was empty of ALL OTHER HUMANS. She had a closet in her office that was used for storage purposes. This closet had a lock on the door. She stepped inside of it’s darkness, intently looking for whatever-she-was-looking-for. Suddenly, the door creaked shut…unable to be opened from the INSIDE. Yes, my friends, she was locked in the closet.
In her pocket was her cell phone. I know what you are thinking…“Whew! Lucky for her she can call for help!” Yes, yes, you would think that. Because you are not Sister Lisa. But what does she do? She gets out her phone and RING RING…calls me. The girl is CRYING she is LAUGHING SO HARD. You’d never believe it!!!!! (laugh, wheeze, tears, laugh, snort) I’m locked in a CLOSET in an isolated dark church building!!!!! (bah-ha-ha-!!!!) She reassured me that, “don’t worry, I have a granola bar in here.”
As I retold this tale to family and friends, many of them said, “Oh yeah. I knew that. I had a message from her one day that said she was locked in a closet…” I’m fairly certain that the phone records show that “HELP” was the 173rd call she made from the closet that day. Oh Lis.
Yesterday I was walking into a friend’s home for dinner and my phone rang. Lisa’s Cell. I answered with a “hello?” and she replied with snickering, laughing, wheezing. This is a very typical way for her to respond to me when she calls. After I stood in the street for 5 minutes waiting for the laughter to stop, she finally managed a, “GUESS WHAT?” Again, typical.
She proceeded to tell me how she was painting her bathroom that day. In sweats that were slightly too big for her, mind you. As you can imagine, bathrooms are tricky to paint, filled with nooks and crannies. Well, she had just so happened to be in such a nook-n-cranny, because as she bent over fully to get that hard-to-reach-place, her butt smooshed up against the freshly painted wall behind her. You can only imagine the outcome. But what takes this story to a new level of awkward-awesomeness is that her sweats…those sad, slightly-too-big-for-her sweats, slipped down as she bent over. Yes folks, the rest is left to your imagination.
And that is the bare-naked truth.
No butts about it.
Truly a rear story…oops, I meant rare.
I’d ask her to bend over to take a bow as you all applaud her…butt we all know how that might turn out…