The Male Dating Profile: beyond a mystery

The following blog post is the sequel to The Male Dating Profile: another mystery:

I’m considering a career change.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my job…it’s just that I see a fantastic entrepreneurial opportunity on the horizon as a Writing Coach for the struggling Male Dating Profile.

{ka-ching $$$ ka-ching $$$ ka-ching}

Hear that?  It’s the sound of money raining from the sky straight into my bank account.  For those of you who might be skeptical regarding how much opportunity there really is in this potential career move, let me enlighten you…

{Please Note: male responses below have NOT been edited to protect the innocent.  Because these men are NOT innocent.  They are guilty of ridiculous eye-roll-inducing dating profile answers}  To kick off my career change, I’m going to start by offering some FREE advice to men everywhere.

While women admire a man who has confidence in himself, a healthy dose of humility is also appreciated.  So when you’re asked…

Q:  Who is the most influential person in your life?

And your answer is simply…


…women are not impressed.

A man’s occupation is not a deal-breaker for most women.  Contrary to popular belief, not all of us are gold-diggers.  So being proud of what you do, your ambitions, and your career goals – no matter what they are – is very attractive.  Not knowing how to spell basic numbers, however, is not.

Q: What do you do for a living?

A:  I have to jobs at ymca and footlocker


Let’s be honest, most people have had a negative dating experience or two {*please note the correct spelling of this number} in their lifetime.  That is understandable, normal, and I can empathize with that. The key is not allowing those negative past experiences shine through in your profile responses.  I’m sorry that your last girlfriend was a lazy, lying, cheating couch potato that was obsessed with Judge Judy and did not share your passion for Baskin Robbins, but buddy, c’mon…at least save it for the 2nd date.

Q: What are you looking for in a woman?

A:  That she would not lye or cheat.  And that she’d turn the tv off once in awhile to go on a walk or eat some ice cream.”

Speaking of past girlfriends, let me help you out here: women aren’t interested in hearing about them.  If there’s one way to NOT make us feel like a “one-of-a-kind” girl, it’s to remind us that we don’t even come CLOSE to being the first girl you were ready to marry.  P.S. Save re-gifting for the office Christmas party.  Call us high-maintenance, but we don’t want “Rebekka or Lindsay or Natasha’s” hand-me-down diamonds..

Q: Is there any additional information you would like to share?

A:  I’ve been engaged twice.  Then I was proposed to by someone else.  And now I’m patiently waiting for YOU! 🙂

Who {blush and eye flutter}…me!?  I bet you say that to all the girls.

I don’t even have a commentary for the next one.  For once, I have no words…

Q: What is the first thing people notice about you?

A:  Some artificial smell designed to hide any human smell I might have.

There are so many things I want to say regarding that…but I will refrain.

Women love to have sweet nothings whispered in their ears.  I’d love to help you guys out with this one.  The phrase “sweet nothings” is not code for Tarzan Talk or code that we want to hear whatever the first barbaric words are that come to your mind.  We know you love food.  All of you.  Most women also know that your love for food is tied with your love for us.  We play dumb, and let you at least PRETEND that we are in a whole separate category than meatballs, meat loaf, brats, chili, nachos, and prime ribs.  For this man below, he has not yet learned the proper pretend-that-women-are-in-a-seperate-category-than-food etiquette…and his dating game will pay dearly for it…

Q:  What are the 3 Things you are most thankful for?


Thank you?

Now guys, there is one question on your dating profile that provides your ultimate chance to shine.  It is a space provided for you to do what you do best: bragging rights in order to woo yourself a woman.  Do you have a soft spot in your heart for volunteering at the Special Olympics?  Is your favorite hobby (besides the obvious mud wrestling and armpit fart noises, of course) cuddling?  This is the spot to let your babe-magnet-heart-of-gold shine!  Below is an example of what NOT to write...

Q:  Is there any additional information you want to share?

A:  E=fL^3 (Power = faith * Logos cubed, where Logos L is constant with the working of the Trinity. E and f are variables.)

Remember, sounding smart and actually being smart are two very different things.  And when you write something like that, you tell me you are neither.

Moving on.  This might be a good time to bring up brains.

When your dating profile asks what the last book you read was, I appreciate the honesty in statements like…

  • I don’t really like to read. or…
  • I only read Popular Mechanics on the toilet.  or…
  • I don’t know how to read.

Don’t fear my friend!  There is a woman out there for you!  One that is sure to adore your honesty and ability to wear your heart on your sleeve.  None of these answers count as a strike against you.  However, please be advised that this question still requires a thoughtful response.  One that does not a) make you look like a total idiot and b) um, yeah, we’ll just leave it at “a.”  Read on…

Q:  The last book I read was:

A:  I read about Solomon’s many wives and his porcupines.



Shhhhhhh{holding my finger to my lips}…do you hear that?

{ka-ching $$$ ka-ching $$$ ka-ching}

Stock options anyone?

2 comments On The Male Dating Profile: beyond a mystery

  • I WANT TO BUY STOCK PLEASE!! Being an internet dater myself, I have come across many of these same kind of guys…I feel your pain 🙂

  • Wow…I knew there were some dense folks out there, but these guys take the cake! You girls have my deepest sympathies, and while you’re at it, sign me up for some of that stock, too!

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