I’m always looking for the most efficient way to get things done. In fact, I’m pretty sure I put the “J” in Jenius. Jen the Jenius ~ it has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Part of what makes me such a Jenius is that I am constantly figuring out new ways NOT to do things. And because it’s nearly Christmas and I’m feeling especially generous and good-willed, let these “Ways to NOT Do Things” be my little gift to you.
1. If the holiday recipe says to crush the peppermint candies by using a rolling pin…DON’T use a hammer instead. An explosion of peppermint shards will impale you the eyes, the hammer just might mistake your finger for a candy, the kitchen clean-up is horrendous…not to mention, it’s just not sanitary folks.
2. Let’s say you have a wood burning fireplace and you want a fire, but your log won’t start. DON’T use your brand new can of Control Force Hairspray to assist in the process. If it can make your hair huge, it’s definitely going to make shooting flames firing at your face even huger. Guaranteed, or your money back.
3. Running out of dishwasher detergent is a problem. Using Dawn dish soap instead is a bigger problem. DON’T assume it’s an equal substitute…you might just come back later on to find yourself WAIST DEEP in foamy bubbles. Although fun in the bath, they’re not quite so fun to wade through in the kitchen.
4. Reheating bacon to create a beautifully delicious turkey-bacon-avocado sandwich = good idea. Reheating bacon in a generic-brand plastic baggie = bad idea. DON’T forget to remove plastic baggie, unless you’re mouth is watering for a turkey-shrink-wrapped-bacon-avocado sandwich!
5. When living in a brand new city, DON’T “trust your gut instinct” with directions. Especially in the dark. And especially when you possess no sense of direction in the first place. The Mexican border is closer than you may think…